Runaway!

It was purely my luck that I got to see her again after a long time…

She was in my city and in my house, unwillingly though as she had no option…
But that somehow made me happy…

We came across each other throughout the day.
I wanted to stop her and talk to her but I guess it wasn’t as easy as it looked!

As always I was working late and used to return after they have slept.. One opportunity was what I was waiting for to talk to her & to tell her that I still love her the way I always did..

To my luck next day morning I met her on the breakfast table alone… I threw a casual “hi” to her with slight hesitation followed by “Good Morning”!

And there was silence till we finished our breakfast…

As she was walking away with the plates I turned and said “I’m Sorry”!

Feeling disgusted she kept walking… She kept the plates in the kitchen sink and came back and sat in front of me and replied “Im Engaged”… “Im Engaged to a person whom I don’t love, but he loves me a lot… And he is not a coward like you who did not turn up on his Engagement”. These fake words thrown at someone without concern don’t matter at all.

I knew it was a pile up… She was fuming and to be honest I was feeling disgusted too… And this time more importantly at me…!

She continued,” You were the only priced possession I had for these many years, at least you could have done is told me if you were not ready for this.. We would have talked through it”!

I was scared & more concerned about the fact that getting engaged would have put an added responsibility on me and I was at such a situation in my career that I had an option of choosing you or my career.. Where I chose my career! And yes more importantly I was not ready for it!

And what about me? Did you even bother once to get back to me.? We both invested 8 long years in this relationship when we made this decision of getting engaged and you just flushed it in few seconds!!?

You were important to me..!! You were the reason why im still not engaged..!! I always believed that you would still come back to me after all this!! And besides I dint have a choice!

You always have a choice & it’s important what choice you choose to make!
And I have made my choice, and cowards don’t fit in that!

Care to say......

I need a break!!

What break are you talking about here?

Is it the break from the lovely time we have always had together or the rough times that we come across sometimes?
How can you just forget the time you were hurt and I was there besides you to take care of you? The time when I needed you and your one message would do wonders for me.
Being with each other always was the most important thing. No Demands no Expectations. Being true to each other, being support to each other, taking care of each other was the only thing we cared about. And now you say that you need a break!

Make me feel special!!

What special thing are you talking about?

You are and have always been the only special person in my life. Taking you out for dinner saving some amount of my every day pocket money just to see that smile on your face!! I was not earning but never ever I let it hurt us in anyway. I fought with my family every day to be with you. You were special to me in every way and every day.
From writing on the walls of your building, taking a walk with you under the moonlight to the bike rides was special for me always. Never ever being special meant being materialistic then why now?
I treated you like a princess without expecting you to treat me back as a prince. Loved you in every way possible! I always walked that extra mile to reach out to you. Never complained, neither questioned you for anything then what is it that extra you want me to do to make you feel special?

You are an Asshole!!

What makes me an asshole?

Does being an asshole mean staying away from girls in college who are after me just because I’m in a relationship? Or does giving you that helping hand if you want it or asking for it when I require it makes me an asshole?
Being there for you always, giving you a shoulder to cry makes me an asshole? Or is it just because I have been so loyal to you that you never got an opportunity to dump me makes me an asshole?
Or because I was not able to give you all the materialistic pleasure as I’m not a son of a rich dad? Or being honest, open or sometimes rude when frustrated makes me an asshole?

All these three sentences were said to me so easily without even having a slightest feeling of despair. Which unfortunately makes me believe the time which we spent together was fake? But my heart does not want to believe it. I still believe that something has gone wrong, I don’t want to know what but ill wait… ill wait until you come and tell me what it was that made you say all those things to me of which half the things I couldn’t even mention as they have pierced through my heart and made me bleed from within.
“And yes you have been successful in making me cry”

Happy Birthday Shweta!

From a call from an unknown number for an invitation to a birthday party!
To reaching lonavala eventually ending up in a not so surprise party!
Party like a rockstar being the theme… There was everything that lived up to the theme!
From bon fire to loud music to short skirts to short pants & jeans…
From Bacardis to Beers to Smirn offs to Antiquity to Tequila shots to Cranberry Juice & Red Bull…
Everything on the house and 7 most happening people on the planet under one roof..!!
We danced like there was no tomorrow…
We drank as if we don’t want to live tomorrow…
High on spirit… high on friendship… it was a night full of masti…
Started with calling a guy “Chokri” to apologizing for past mistakes…
A night where new friends were born…
To playing with a cat and wondering next day where the hell did she come from..!!
Getting up in the morning guessing who got me to the bedroom…
To realizing what a crazy night you have had by getting proof lying beside the bed..!!
Extremely tiring yet most happening party of all time...
All thanks to the people present and also to the people who were missed..!!
Happy Birthday Shweta!

I want to say something to you
What?
I think we should be just friends..!!
But we are friends..!
Yes…. But I want be “just friends”…
But I was here to tell you that I love you and I want you to be my girlfriend..!!
This whole time we’ve been having such a good time together and all of a sudden when I want to take this further you are saying that u just want to be friends..!!?
Yes because I find that comfort in you as a friend and I don’t see us going ahead with this relationship…
But then what about me..?
Think about it… is it only about u..?? Or it involves both of us..?? If I’m not happy with you then how come this relationship will work..?
But I don’t understand… you say you are happy with me as a friend but won’t be happy with me being my girlfriend… How am I supposed to understand this..?
You have to... I’m sorry if I broke your heart but then its better doing this now than being sorry for this the entire life..!!
So does that mean I don’t even get to prove my love to you…?
You already have... It’s just that probably I’m not ready for a commitment... Or maybe it’s just you… Your past which is stopping me from getting close to you…
Oh! So it’s my past… My past doesn’t allow you to love me because I have been a player throughout my life is it..? But then you said that I have changed and if you won’t trust me now then who will... I have changed a lot to be close to you… to be able to love you… And now after having come so far you breaking up with me doesn’t help...
We were never in a relationship to break up…. And this change was more for you than me.. It has made you a better person... And probably if you continue to be this way I’m sure you will get someone better..!!
This was not the way I thought this will end if it ever had to..!! Never had I even thought in my wildest of dreams that one day I’ll lose you because of my past. How I wish I could go back and change everything so that I dint have to see this day… I guess I’m not worth your love… But then I can’t even stay with being just a friend! So I guess it’s time to say good bye…
Don’t do this… I want you as a friend…
Yes… And that’s what I cannot be… I’ll have to leave… I’ll miss you... ill cherish every moment spent with you and keep loving you with the same honesty I have loved you till today…

Incomplete part 2

Now, things have changed, and so am I
Realized something’s & I break away
Realized what I was doing would be wrong..!!
Realized the importance of what I may lose if I let this stay
There is someone much more important than her
She is alone and she is lonely
She deserves my time more than her
Realizing the fact that a stone cannot be moulded…
I move on… And thank god for the lesson..!!

Incomplete part 1

She was sitting right in front of me
Had seen her before but never had a word with her
She was pretty & innocent, carried herself casually
She was trying hard to portray herself being happy
But behind her smiling face was a lot of pain, a pain of losing someone close to her
Someone she has spent most of her life with… dreaming, smiling and doing all the things which made her happy
Her eyes spoke a lot about her… She definitely was a fun loving person before this incident
Something was pulling me towards her asking me to get to know her more.
I wanted to know what went wrong
Few days passed… we became very good friends... Got to know each other well…
Every passing moment tried to make her feel better…
And…

I was waiting for her at the station. Obviously this has been the first time that we had been away from each other for so long. The wait was very long & had unexpected surprises along. The train had arrived and the wait was over, I was going to see her after months of being apart from each other. My excitement got high & was trying to search her through every window so I could get even a small glimpse of her before she gets down to calm down my heartbeats.
I wanted to hug her, kiss her and hold her tightly in my arms. She alighted from the train & there she was right in front of me with her beautiful smile saying final goodbye’s to her friends before she meets them again at the same place after a week. She noticed me in the crowd came to me and hugged me & I held her tightly never willing to let her go but realized we were in a public place, also finally met her roommate and my newly found girl friend in her.
We started our walk toward the car and then our quite drive towards our home which was not as quite as it was ought to be. A normal person at 5 in the morning would be tired after a journey… but then I said a normal person which she is not, she wanted to tell me all the stories of 3 months which she had spent there in just an hour of our journey back home. Throughout this whole one sided conversation that we were having I was lost in her completely, realizing how much I love her and miss her every day.
I knew this one week the time was going to fly, but then this one week was worth a million for the time spent with her. Yes I won’t deny the fact that her college and newly owned life has made her change a bit but then it’s accepted. She was rude to me and to her family, but then this is what she had to be to survive there. And yes she is a tough ice to break mind you as I have experienced throughout my life.
I’m writing this just to let you know that I’m happy that you have become very strong and you stick to your decisions & didn’t let emotions affect your decisions. And I truly respect your decision (you know what I’m talking about rite?).
And also this was written to let you know that the change you are talking about that you have developed is 99% acceptable but then this ice breaking session is very difficult every time so make sure you leave that change their itself and come as yourself, the person I love and has always loved. And also to let you know that your intuition’s on me are never going to come true, yes I’m talking about only those ones which try to make a negative impact on our life. So you can intuit as much as you want I’ll make sure everything comes wrong. (Accept few intuitions that should come true)
Finally also wanted to let you know that it took a lot of effort to again change you into something which you always were, I have always appreciated the way you are and loved you. So let me be the strong one in our relationship and please let me provide you with a shoulder whenever you want to cry and don’t let it dry inside. Let me be the one who keeps it inside. Another 3 months without you is going to be an uphill task but we will walk through it together as we have always. That day you said that probably this might be the last time you are seeing me… I promise and make sure it won’t be. I’ll again come to the station to pick you up in December the way I had come now and try to look through every window to get your small glimpse.

So you still angry on me?
Angry?? i was never angry on you. But i'm definitely disappointed at you. The only thing we had between us was our love, our undying trust, so if you dint believe me when you had to, i had every right of being disappointed.
So what can i do now to make you understand that i have realized my mistake? how do i prove you that i still love you the way i always did??
The only thing you have done in these years is made me believe that there is nothing called as love. So what you can do is make me believe that there is love in this world but you'll get only 6 days to do it.
But then what do i have to do in these 6 days??
That you have to decide. The only thing ill do is observe you, stay with you but wont love you so easily.
( She doesn't know the only thing i have done staying away from her is love her even more... unconditionally.!!)
We are here to spend time with our friends it was just a coincidence that we met & now that we were together you had this opportunity to understand that i was not wrong. But the only thing i expected was one chance to say that "I Love You". But then you dint...
So do you mean that this is a revenge?
Its as you take it. If you want to see this as one so will it be. Though you don't have to prove anything its just me who wants to learn through some mistakes & as always would never wish to give you any pain. But if you still say that you have understood your mistake ill buy it but only at the cost of these 6 days. " Its your test".
( She believed it was her test of character, the agnipariksha as we all know but to her surprise it was nothing but a simple observation by him. She believed in giving him more time, being more considerate was what he was expecting from her. so she tried to do everything right in these 6 days. Took very good care of him, respected him, loved him but then this was not her. In their several years of relationship before the break up she would hit him, insult him, make fun of him & often pull his leg. Just keeping this test in her mind she did everything which would not define her, which would not portray what they have been sharing through years. At the end of the 6th day she was expecting a positive answer)
So today is the 6th day & i hope i have done everything that will make you believe that i love you??
Yes, You did everything to make me believe that you love me but this is what i dint want you to do. The fact is i have always believed in your love only the feeling was lost. What i wanted was just to feel your love which you could have done by just being you.
You tried to be everything that you were not.
I believe that you have got your answer & so have i...

My experience, My Perception of United Kingdom

Being a child you always dream to see the world. A world which only a few lucky ones get to see. Just like any other child even i wanted to see the world. A world which i thought is far more better than where i stay. A world which is far more developed in every little way. A life which is thousand times better that mine. A life where every child has his opportunity to shine.

A place where life would never be a climb. Going to work means getting dressed in the morning and taking a train to office rather than starting your cars engine and driving for few hours. Going to a restaurant means walking a few miles and there you are. A date means a one night stand. Where love means staying together. Having a good time means lets chat over a coffee. Where shopping means oxford street. Lets eat means to go to a Subway or a Pizza hut as you cant afford anything more than that. Lets party means, carry your passport or they will throw you out. Go for a walk means, please take care of yourself.

A place where everything is hybrid, from fruits to vegetables to milk and also to some extent cars. Where to cook food is to go to a mall visit a Tesco or a Sainsbury get packaged food come home put in the oven and there you are having your cooked food. A place where a person waits for a car to pass which is half a mile away from you & that car reaches close to you and stops asking you to please cross the road giving respect to each other. A place where you have to hit a button to cross a road even if the cars are waiting. A place where lane cutting is a crime but over-speeding is not. A place where bikes go faster than the cars.

A world where driving on motor ways is a pleasure. A world where you get to see loads of green open land pertaining to just one person having his single residence on it. A place where farmers are more rich than a businessman. A world where trains run underground, overground & undersea.

A place where you have all the religions of the world. A place where having a party in the night means breaking a law and eventually getting warned by the police. A place where Police, Ambulance & Fire Fighters come before the pizza gets delivered. A place where there is no difference between day and night. But a place where there is difference between black and white.

The way eyes speak...

Just a few days back i was out shopping with my friend...
This was obviously not the first time that we had been together.. but this time was able to experience something which i had never done before...

As she is going to go to Ahmadabad in few weeks she wanted to shop for new clothes..
After picking few tops and kurta's for herself it was time to hop to the trial room.. It was Akhsay Tritiya all the families had crowded the place... so eventually their was lot of traffic outside the trial room... She was tired and had almost lost her patience... i asked her to go and try her clothes in the trial room near the lingerie section where i obviously would not feel comfortable to come and give her my consent.. So i asked her this time to take her call as she knows what looks good on her...
She tried but still was not happy with the confirmation given to her by her own mind...
so i asked her to try once again in the other trial room where i could give my affirmation. Till the time we were waiting outside the trial room i was observing a pattern.. a pattern where all the men who were waiting outside the trial room for their wives and girlfriends to come out and show how they look though none of the men were giving there consent with a speech but just a little smile or a wink to their wives would do...
Till the time, she had changed and was ready to show me what she had bought and looking for my consent and like every other man standing there all i did was just smiled at her with a wink... and she got her answer...
And the whole night i was wondering how easily eyes speak for the people whose hearts are connected.. Crowd doesnt matter to them neither does the place...
With this thought i just remembered all the times when we had been for shopping together and all the different ways i have given my consent to her without using a single word...

Don't choose what you get....

My first step in B-School...
Expectations following me behind.. Hopes making my shoulder heavy...
And there comes the time when during the induction phase u are told to choose what u get... ur dreams crash... ur expectations tend to give up...
This is the time u need to believe in urself... wait for the right opportunity and most importantly not give up on urself...
But i guess its easier said and done..
The same example goes for me too... many companies came on campus for summers... but none where i really wanted to work so there begun the wait....
January passed..... and so did February, March and half of April... 10-12 days to go before u officially start ur summers and there im still waiting for the right company where ill get to enjoy my work rather than just choose what u get and start compromising rather than working.
But as being a normal human being even i lost all the hopes and started applying for any and every company which came on campus for summer internships...
Letting my frustration out on every one around ignoring every1 around was certainly not helping my cause but was just adding more to my frustration...
Social networking sites being used as a new format where u can actually put ur heart out was used by me to the highest extent to let my frustration out.. when one day a senior read upon my comments and asked me to forward my resume to him.. And again ignoring him thinking that he is just trying to add salt to injury never responded to him though he being a very good friend.
Just to my fortune he remembered that i always wanted to work with X company and called me up and said "Dude i have given a reference of ur in the x company just give a call and take an appointment for an interview... all i can do here is get you to the doorstep of ur dream company, after u enter the door u will be on ur own"...
An opportunity coming knocking at the door there was no chance i would let it go..
Cracked the interview got the summer internship... And only one thing kept knocking my head while i was climbing down the stairs...
That the only thing i was doing by applying randomly to any company was playing with my interest, and nothing but spoiling my career...
The only thing i told myself that day... IF U DESERVE IT, U SHALL GET IT...
and from now on... ill never choose what i get... ill strive for what i want... Never give up so easily and fight till the last moment... And never ever will i give up on my Dreams...!!!

After thinking for days and months over what exactly I can give you on your birthday gave me only one answer – “Nothing”. Nothing as in nothing special in the short time I have..
So after hours of brainstorming session that I had with my small brain I could think that what if I could give her “WORDS” as it is the most appreciated gift by her. But then gifting Words are easier said than done isn’t it..??? Anyways keeping that part aside with no back up nothing in mind started writing on a piece of paper as usual and all the repetitive words that I always write for you… Which again made me think that is it really what I wanna give her..??? naaaaah….
So another hour of brainstorm of thinking an innovative way of giving the words wrapped as a gift.. but how..??? And there comes the KHOJ…
So now no looking back I got my laptop and this is what I could write for you…
Nanna… Firstly a very Happy Birthday to you…
Somewhere this is again an attempt to hide my guilt that I have not made something really creative for you as promised to each other.. Though promises are meant to be broken…
I don’t know what im going to write here in this blog.. But surely it’s not going to be a write up which just says u know that “you are the best”.. “u have changed me” n all..
What I thought I can do is have a conversation…
A conversation which might just help you understand that yes only and only together we can take charge of the situation around us right now and not alone..
Girl jus to add to this.. Whatever that has happened between us this month or probably last few months is somewhere like a nightmare.. Of course leaving the 31st part aside… but yes somewhere we are going through a rough patch…
What I want to say with this part is that, everything which has happened has happened cause of a reason… the reason might be anything… but somewhere the reason has been the communication gap… The way we used to talk to each other in the night has changed.. and changes to wat..??? good night, I love u more, my dreams… that’s it… Nanu.!! We donno even know what is going in each others life… The only thing that I hear is “Aaj CET ke liye ye kiya… supratim sir ne ye message bheja” n all that… and wat u get to hear is WE WE WE n WE… so its kind of becoming frustrating from both sides…
Even for that matter taking an appointment to meet u and then the appointment getting canceled.. fine whatever it is… but one thing I want to say is I Love you.. Unconditionally…
I know you must be wondering that my biggest strength doesn’t gimme support for the cet preparations.. doesn’t gimme confidence… but obviously u have to understand that for every action there has to be a reason.. A reason that should not be said but felt at least in our case…
What I also want to talk is that this phase is not going to last forever… but if u give up then it is definitely going to make me weak… Anu that day u said that I was screaming at you I don’t understand you… shona u also said sorry to me which I have still not accepted because I know somewhere that sorry was not for a right reason.. And of course I don’t even expect a sorry from you cause u don have to… but only thing that I would want u to know is try to understand why I was saying all this… rather that just pointing out at my weakness of me hanging up the phone on u is tolerated by u but the vice versa doesn’t happen… Anu so many times in ur anger u have banged the phone on my face.. and I have not reacted but that day I reacted and I couldn’t resist… Bacchu u r my mirror… and this mirror shows me to me… and I know something is wrong… You were not the usual you.. and I know the reason why….!!!
Well Anu an honest request would be take your time..!!! Talk to me.. now im free.. im all urs.. I don’t even have exams now… I still feel that day if u would have been in a better understanding mood the outcome of the conversation would have different…
And the worst part… stop crying and cribbing about small small things…
I think this whole blog was written more centered towards the scenario of veggies.. Fine.. its just that I love u too much to ignore these stupid things…
And the only message is “This is a long journey that we are obliged to walk together… And we obviously knew that there would be ups and downs.. More of ups though… Anu such situations bother a fuck to me as u know my capability of keeping things inside very well and burying them and also doing susu on them… but I know it hurts u… I did have a thought once that even you are like me or becoming like me.. but I was wrong… and trust me I have no regrets… I have always loved you the way u have always been… and will always do… but I really can’t see u in pain… really can’t…
Now use an eraser.. Erase all the things or rather flush the things in the toilet… Cause this is your Birthday…
HAPPY BIRHDAY...
Arey tu toh buddhi ho gayi hai yaar… aur teen saal mein teri shaadi ho jaayegi.
I thought I would be writing a nice blog to you on your birthday… he he and ended up writing a complaint letter…
Hey I just hope that next time we would be more open to a successful conversation rather than this… as u know im the biggest idiot when it comes to writing blogs…
And….. I Love You more….
And….. Happy Birthday..!!!