A Search..

Since the time my parents held my hands to help me walk to the time when my parents let my hand off so that i can open my wings to fly in this world...A search has kept me waiting...

A search for a right way, a search for life, a search for beginning..
Probably a search for myself...

Too many wishes, more and more expectations made me lead a life which was not mine..

Engineering?? cricket..?? and many more such questions kept hitting me to add up to the confusion..
Though never ended up doing what i wanted..

A feeling that probably now i have played enough with my life makes me realise to do something which is different.. something which will work for me.. something that makes me happy...
And again i reach a point where the same questions hit me and the search for the answers begins...

Today practicing on the field and seeing so many people waste their time for something for which they are not passionate about.. Something which doesnt mean anything to them again made me go into the same old hole where even my search is stuck..
Am i really doing what i want to do.. Am i at the right place..???

A search which probably will have no end... But something which will try to keep me informed...

Every1 everywhere is trying to search himself... only thing missing is the will.. the drive.. the determination to accept the truth..
The truth that may help in ending this everlasting search...
The truth about urself..
The day im prepared to hear the truth about myself probably that will be the end of my search...
And till then im waiting...

Right there waiting..!!

After scoring 5 ducks in the previous few matches played... yesterday was probably the most difficult day for me..

Not even a single thought what could be in store for me... just got up in the morning and came on the ground..!! Reaching on the ground we get the news that the pitch and the outfield is wet due to the overnight rain and the match could be delayed..!!

Catching practice and fielding practice is what we do to keep ourselves occupied..!!

While i was giving the catch practice.. just around the corner, the captain and the vice-captain were sitting and deciding upon their individual teams which they would be leading...

As expected the captain chose to keep me in his team.. during the team meeting asked who is the opener as we are batting first.. i raised my hand without any doubt.. looking at me the captain said ok you go to bat...

One of the worst batting tracks ever... the ball stopping and coming on the bat was making life miserable for a batsman to bat... Sticking on one end i could see all the wickets tumble in front of me...

And Finally on the 35th over i get a call.. ' BANDY TU 90 PE BATTING KAR RAHA HAI '..

With a thought that i need to make 10 runs of 6 balls to get to a hundred i got excited.. did hit a four of the first ball. but with no selfish intentions just took a run on the second ball... again saw wickets falling on the other end.. Finally ended on 96 n.o.

The news had reached the whole class and probably half the college.. even to the security gaurds of the college who congratulated me on my score..

Reached the canteen with a thought that lets see how my friends react to it...

Reaching there what i could see is all the other people except my friends..

Tried calling every1 but some were busy in the lectures and some having their lunch...

Each and every person came to me to talk to me about the match.. probably the whole of BDRM...(Even Krishna Parulekar...lol)

But my eyes were looking for those few important people who were missing..!!!

Just wanted to see the reaction on their faces how would it be... Probably just to get myself encouraged even more..!!

My lunch time was about to get over so just thought of going to meet the people who were having their lunch in gulshan...

To my surprise there was no such reaction which i was expecting ( no offence guys )... just felt a little disappointed...

I went back to my match.. In the evening again came to the college with a thought that probably they were busy that time so lets meet them now.. And to my bad luck all the people were again busy with there Memetics...

To my disappointment went down at sat.. where again thousands of people were coming and congratulating me... which was actually adding to my disappointment...

Nevertheless finally decided to give it quits.. and started my way back home...

Reached to my bike i get to hear a voice from my back..' Nitesh.. is that you..?? ' And well adding to my bad fortune it was KP... tried to ignore her in every way.. but was unsuccessful...

And there comes the rescue team from behind... ( ohh thank god guys i just love you for that )

Anupam offering me to hold my bag thinking that i must have been tired playing the whole day was a beautiful gesture by him... Felt very nice (Finally) to get some time of my busy friends at the end of the day where now i think if KP would have not come then probably i would have left early without meeting you guys..!!! ( so thanks to KP )

Admist all this there was still someone for whom my eyes were waiting..!!

Though i was so tired that couldn't wait for even single minute more... With my tired legs i somehow drove myself home...

Reaching home i get get a call from her for whom probably my eyes were looking for...

Telling her all that i went through the whole day and also expressing some anger to her i finally ended my day on a good note by receiving a public appreciation from her... ( Thanks a lot )

Guys you being with me and giving confidence to me works wonders for me...

Thanks for being there..!!!

That day and Today…

Completely baffled by the relationships around… A girl coming close to my friends to get close to me… A place where relationships meant sharing the beds… Feelings were felt to be waste of time.. Going to late night parties… Friends.. Booze… Girls… Smoke… There was everything that makes life Beautiful and vice versa… This was the life which I was living… Until that day when few perplexed situations made me realize that there should me some meaning to my life…(other than playing TT)

Giving a thought to it.. and probably working on it I made a decision to give myself a break.. A break which would take me away from all my close friends… all relationships.. a time which was to discover me (u can also call it as a vanwaas)..!!! A time where i had to realize all the good things done and the bad things that could have been avoided…

Almost nearing one year being away from friends.. from relationships..Getting to know new so called good people and then becoming friends… Amidst this their was a liking towards someone special which I had not realized…

Christmas party at a friends place and she sitting close to me.. ( A feeling that the vanwaas is probably going to get over ) my friends made me realize that genuinely i have some feelings for her.. She was sweet.. gentle.. calm.. and sensible... somehow I just wanted to spend time with her (just to get to know her better ).

The swapping of college at the same time was somewhere adding to the fun element of it… Traveling together in the train to college and sometimes back to our home.. Every moment spent with her was pure magic…

Every day in every way tried to show her change that she has got in me… Every breath was taken just to show her my love… Tried all the new ways of convincing that magical Yes from her… Finally my prayers were answered and she said a yes to me...

14^th Nov ’05 – 14^th Nov ‘ 09 … After 4 awesome yrs of our relationship… I still get to see that love in her eyes… that comfort when she is in my arms..

And also the peace that I get to feel when she is besides me !!

Today I owe my everything to her… She is the one who has been there in my ups and downs… She has been the same… and so do I ought to be…!!

This blog was written with just a small aim of saying a small Thank You to my love.. And also as a small gift to her…

As keeping in mind what she always says “ WORDS ARE THE BEST GIFT A PERSON CAN GIVE TO ANYONE “

Donno what went wrong...

After six years of so called friendship... Today i finally came out with what was inside me for so long..!!!

All the quarrels... the ignorance.. the silence... turned into tears which were shed ed for the first and the last time....

With not even a single thought of actually hurting my friend... always went to meet them unconditionally... always said the words which they would like... always scared about the words which could be offensive..

Suffering through lot of pain... i always preferred to keep it inside and not let it out till this date when i just couldn't take it any more...

always lived my life as how they wanted it to be... but not now... it isn't for a reason that i have started a new life in my new college... but its just that they are not ready to understand...

People tell me that you are a very deep person.. getting to know you is very difficult.. probably yes... but i feel six years are more than enough to know me...

Every act of mine was taken to be offensive... every word of mine were taken to be an irony....

Am i so difficult... am i so strange.. am i so wierd.. am i not a good friend..is wat i asked myself..??

To my surprise im finding it difficult to answer these questions today where i would have answered these questions very easily probably yesterday...

This is not my usual way of getting my frustration out..

somewhere i still know that they are my friends... but now they have made me feel that they are not worth it... or vice versa...

Today i have taken a decision of keeping a distance from them...

and hoping that ill keep my word...